Quote:
Originally Posted by madmusican
Trying everything this evening  urges have been getting worse all day. Finding it hard to concentrate on anything really. Tried making things, drawing, writing, playing piano, but the urges are there and getting worse.
I am scared about returning to work tomorrow so I know what is triggering it. I feel stupid for having two days off before the break and being sent home and I am worried what they will say. I want to be at work because I hate being off, cause being off means being on my own which isn't good for me. Plus if I am not there I feel like I am letting everyone down who I work with. But I am so nervous about what they are going to say.
I want to scream but I can't. I want to cry but I have no tears. I want to get these feelings out but nothing is working. I tried telling my husband but he doesn't understand. He tries to be supportive but I can see how upset he is getting by it all so I can't keep being down around him. It is so much effort to keep the mask on at the moment.
I have nowhere to turn at the moment. I am sorry for only posting bad things all the time, but I don't have anywhere else to say these things. I am trying so hard not to cut tonight, not to burn or hurt myself at all, but its getting worse. |
You don't have to feel bad for posting. A lot of people come to this site because they are struggling. There are bad days, and you should feel free to post as much that helps you.
It sounds like you are having a difficult time expressing how you are feelings. Holding this in, so people around you don't get upset. I have been there and it takes a lot of energy and effort to come across okay, when you are torn up inside.
Feelings sad, frustrated, scared are all feelings we get. I think it is important to express how you are feeling. That can be hard to do I know. Especially when you feel 10 things at once because you are trying not to breakdown. Maybe expressing them can be as simple as talking to someone you can confide in. Maybe writing some posts on PC or a blog to say what is bothering you.
I'm sorry your husband isn't there for you. It sounds like you keep a lot in, so you won't upset him. Maybe you guys can work on it and create a more supporting releationship. One of the things I did was talk to wife about what I wanted as far as support. I told her that I didn't expect her to make me happy or that she had to solve my problems, but I just needed someone to listen and possible give me reassurance things will be ok. That did help me and I think it gave her better understanding on what was going on. It is hard to tell your spouse things and see them get upset, but I think we should be able to talk to our partners about what is going on. I found talking to my therapist and spouse at the same time helpful. It helps explain what depression is like for me and what I need to make things better for myself.
I'm here if you want someone to talk to. Stay strong and take care of yourself.