Guilt is a difficult emmotion to come to terms with. Sometimes we depression can make us feel inappropriately guilty as well. Like we are bad people and deservse to be punished. I have self harmed for that reason.

I can remember one time a couple months ago. I was having some issues at home because my cousin was staying with us and annoying my wife, which in turn she complained to me and it felt like she was dropping it on my lap to deal with. On weekend I had a frustratinging morning and she started talking to me about him and I just got incredible angry with her. I just felt unregulated and I had to walk away because I don't know what I would have said to her if I continued to argue.

Moments after I cooled off, I started to feel guiltly and ashamed for what I did. We talked an hour later and made up, but I didn't feel better about myself. After we talked I went upstairs and took some sleeping meds and then self harmed. I think I was punishing myself for losing control of my emmotions or possible to express the anger I was feeling. I felt better, but it wasn't a healthy way to deal with it. I also don't think she wanted me to suffer like that.

Sometimes cutting is about expressing those emotions you don't know how to otherwise. I wish I could give you advice on how to do that, but it is something I am struggling with as well. Hopefully with the right therapy you can get some insight on yourself. Regaurdless I don't believe that the people you upset would want to see you in that kind of pain. Maybe if you could make ammemnds for whatever you did, or if you can't learn how to be at peace with your past mistakes.

I hope you learn to better figure yourself out and find ways to handling things besides self harm. It can satiate the urges and expresses emmotions and help provide a sense of relief, but at the same time it creates a lot of self hatred, scars and emmotional damage that is difficult to be at peace with. There may be other ways to handle things going on in your life and I hope you can find positive ways to deal with things.