I dunno. It was nothing really. Went through a list of questions, almost automated:
- Depression? "a lot."
*Sleeping problems? "yes." *Change in appetite? "not sure, I don't eat much."
>Ever had an eating disorder? "purged in High School, never lost much weight. I just avoid food now."
*Have much energy? "no." *Have trouble concentrating? "yeah." *Ever have thoughts of harming yourself? "yes."
>Ever thought of ways to end your life? "yes." What kind of thoughts? "umm... about whatever might work, I guess." Have you ever acted on those thoughts? "2 1/2 years ago I tried over-dosing, not with nearly enough, though."
*Have you ever intentionally hurt yourself, such as cutting? "yes, I hurt myself sometimes, haven't cut for 2 1/2 years though."
- Anxiety/nervousness? "around people."
*Had problems giving speeches in school? "yes." *Ever joined in classroom discussion? "not really." *Are interviews difficult for you? "yeah, really difficult." *Do you feel self-conscious in public, and avoid such situations? "yes, but I don't really avoid them... I just don't go out much." *Do you have many friends you spend time with? "I hang out with the college group at my church some... kinda confused if they're friends... I've never had any before so when they say they're my friends I don't know what to think of it, though I guess they probably are." *Any boyfriends? "no, never."
- Obsessive behavior? "no."
- Manic episodes? "no."
- Ever been abuse in your home? "no."
- Are you in counselling now? "no, can't afford it, I talk with my pastor some."
>Could your parents help pay the co-pay? "no, they're against professionals, think I should just talk with my pastor."
*Have you ever been in counselling? "yes, lasted about 2 months, ended because my mom was against it, that's when I OD-ed."
And life questions, living where? how's the family get along? going to school? have a job?
Ended with saying he'd write my PCP with a recommendation to prescribe Lexapro for depression and social anxiety. Lasted less than half and hour.
It was like he decided I'm just a boring, shy, depressed girl, and that's the end of it. Apparently unconcerned whether or not I'm currently suicidal.
It was an idiotic thing for me to do. Should have just gone to my PCP and asked for a prescription of Paxil and gotten the same results. Don't know what I was hoping for... what else would he have done?
It's pointless, should've never tried it. Knew better, nothing's going to help. Not the medicine, either. That'll just give me some very good OD material to consider. Shouldn't even care anymore.