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Originally Posted by Millitoria
I posted a little while ago about how I am concerned I may have a dissociative disorder of some kind. Thank you very much for the kind responses.
In the end I didn't feel able to talk to my Dr about it, but I did tell her I was really struggling and thought I would benefit from extra support and help. I am now waiting on a referral to local mental health services for assessment. Which I think is a good step, though very scary to me.
I keep second guessing myself. Sometimes I am convinced that I am just making all of this up. Then something happens like yesterday where I drew lots of pictures of a very young girl who seems familiar to me, who's name I just know and I feel like she is me. Yet I don't remember drawing those pictures.
From reading on here, I have come across the concept of co-conciousness. This seems to relate to my experiences. Losing time does happen for me but is rare and could be related to other disorders I have. But I often feel like I am not in control, am only watching my body do things and at these times I feel like someone else has taken over. But I do have some ability to communicate with this somebody else, just not to intervene. This means I do remember what has happened but most of the time I feel like I have had no control. Also, it means that whilst I worry about what has happened/what I have done at these times I find it hard to relate those actions to me - they feel like it was somebody else who did them. So whilst I worry it is hard to do anything after the fact to address any issues that have been thrown up.
A big part of this for me is anything relating to money. Sometimes I spend lots of money and I am aware that I have done that, yet I consistently fail to take it into account when thinking about my income etc. It doesn't feel like it was me who spent it, so I seem to 'forget' that this has been spent. Then when I check my balance it is lower than I remember, often leaving me struggling to pay rent, buy food etc. Also, many of the things I have bought make no sense to me. Like clothes that are too small, or that I wouldn't wear. Food I don't eat or don't like etc.
Then there is a bear that I have. When I am feeling upset I often like to carry this bear around with me, like a security blanket. Yet I normally wouldn't take it outside or anything. But at times, I feel like I am watching myself with this bear. I play with it and take it everywhere with me, then become really upset if I need to leave the house and someone tells me I can't take it. To the point that I have refused to go out as I can't have my bear. When this sort of thing happens, again I am often surprised later when someone brings it up and wants to talk about it because I have 'forgotten' it happened until the subject is raised again. It feels like it wasn't me but a little girl called Emily who needed the bear and I have to remind myself that to everyone else it wasn't her it was me and that's why they want to talk to me about it, even though it is Emily who needed the bear not me.
Does any of this make sense to anyone? Does this sound like dissociation?
I do dissociate in other ways, experience a lot of depersonalization and I do it when I have flashbacks too, but they have always been considered part of my other disorders. This feels different and it has been happening since I was a kid. But at times I feel like it must all be in my head. I always had imaginary friends as a kid, and I have always and still do retreat into an internal 'fantasy' life/land when I am upset. Which I understand are very different to DID for instance. Again, this feels different to that though.
I am so confused and it could take weeks before I see someone for this assessment. In the meantime I am left trying to figure out what to tell them and I don't know what to say. I am scared they will tell me I am lying or that I am crazy. 
Milli
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one thing that jumps out at me about your post is this...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Millitoria
I keep second guessing myself. Sometimes I am convinced that I am just making all of this up. Then something happens like yesterday where I drew lots of pictures of a very young girl who seems familiar to me, who's name I just know and I feel like she is me. Yet I don't remember drawing those pictures.
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here in New York which is in the USA we have two different concepts/beliefs in the mental health filed...
" the child with in" and "alternate personalities"
the distinction between the two here is that with the child with in concept/therapy approach/ belief and having alternate personalities associated with DID is that during the first experience (the child with in) the person perceives the one living inside a person is their self...and in the other (having alternate personalities) the person perceives the one inside as not their self, the alters have their own thought process, how they perceive their environment, their self and those around them...
example
when I draw my child with in sometimes I dont remember drawing her because I am so focused on other thoughts like what the child with in me looks like at that moment or because of steress/ anxiety and other issues that may have caused me to unconsciously or like in a fog, draw my child with in. then when I look at the picture after (whether I remember drawing her or not) ....my....thought process is.....she is me, this is me, I feel like this is me when...
with my alters and drawing them...sometimes I would remember drawing them sometimes I wouldnt.. and the thought process is not in the first person like feeling like this is me....its wow look at her...like her dress, I would never able to wear that but she looks good in it I wonder where ...she.... got it, did ....she... buy it or did someone give it to ...her...., Iwonder what happened to her....things like that where the thoughts/questions and feelings have no connection to me at all, shes has her own life, name and has nothing to do with me...
one of the diagnostics with DID is that alters have their own way of being their own thoughts and such separate from the host in which they live in.
taking a guess based on what you wrote in your post...(you refer to her as ....you....feeling like the girl in the drawing is you....) it appears to me that you may have connected with "your child with in"
everyone has times when they acknowledge their self and how they were as a child, or they react like a child would examples getting so angry you just want to throw things like a child, feeling like you want to color or do other things you used to do as a child, make drawings in child thought modes, eat unhealthy foods that you liked as a child....all those are completely normal ways people feel/connect with the child they used to be in other words getting in touch with their child with in.
anyway my guess not diagnosis is maybe you got in touch with your child with in.
there are many reasons why a person does things like what you posted... for example when I am under stress, sleep deprived, over tired, or my meds are too high or too low, havent ate the right dietary foods, ....I get to feeling like I am just doing things and have no control over whats happening, just watching as if from a distance or like in a fog...
its not my alters because I dont have alters any more, all my alters integrated/merged with me/ became one with me.
dissociation is one of those things that is considered to be completely normal and then spans out into the abnormal. for me my dissociative symptoms are not because of DID any more. its just the way my body reacts to all the stressors and problems in my life. it even happens when I am feeling very excited and extremely happy. my doctors tell me its completely normal for me to feel this way given I have depression, PTSD, Bipolar disorder and MS coupled with working and being a new parent, anxiety... gosh so many things make me feel those things you posted about..
you said you are second guessing...part of that is probably because a qualified professional hasnt told you whats wrong with you yet because you havent talked with your treatment providers...
see the brain works in amazing ways. part of its job is to compare/contrast/ question our selves/self critique our own behaviors, thoughts, actions, and form hypothoses, guesses based on our assumptions, core beliefs... it even throws us curve balls by jumping to the wrong conclusions sometimes, unconsciously omitting what we dont want to know or think about conjuring up our worse fears, daydreams, entertainment....our human brain has so many things it can do...
as a result only a qualified professional can actually form an accurate diagnosis of whats going on inside the human body and what mental disorders we have...
my suggestion...I know you are afraid but wouldnt it possibly be less stressful on you if you talk with a medical docotr, therapist or psychiatrist instead of this constant questioning, second guessing, wonder and worry on your self..
please consider putting your fears aside for a few moments and talk with a treatment provider.