Everyday I feel differently about the choices I have made or are making. I am so is sick and tired of thinking all the time. I feel so useless. I feel like I have no power in me. Today, I woke up happy, sick, but happy. I spent the entire day cleaning the floor in my house. In no way is my house large, but it just took me forever since I have to take frequent breaks and sit because of my breathing. Anyway, I felt so good knowing I was doing something finally. But as I was doing the cleaning, all I could think about is my mother. At first I was sad because I miss her being around, then came the bad feelings. The evilness seeping through me. Like I wanted to scream and shout at her. Like I wanted her to get told off by me for all the things I know she hurt me for. She would deny deny deny everything and that's what's got me the most. I couldn't stop the anger. I started to carry on the housework like a lunatic. I overdid it. My husband didn't even really notice. I guess he is so wrapped up with work and stress he has no clue what's going on around him. It's frustrating me at times because I get the attitude from him from the work overload stress. Ugh, if its not one it's the other in my life.
Anyway, I got so upset and angry at all these bad thoughts. They wouldn't go away. In my mind I am planning on what I want to say to her if she was In front of me. I was talking to myself today. All these things popped in my head about her. About how she ruined my credit and never even apologized, how she took money from me from my school loan checks, or how she took money that was given to me by my grandmother for her niece and never repaid it. Although, I do remember saying to her not to worry about it, but still she should have at least offered it back. Good god, I was just used. She could say well, for all those years I lived with her I never gave her money, like she gave to he parents when she was a young adult. But I did all the housework and cooking for her most of the time when I lived at home.
I'm going out of my mind. She is making me crazy. How do I stop these feelings? Most of the time lately I have been ok. I mean I have been focused on my kids, but even though I had thoughts of my mother they would come and go and the bad thoughts weren't there as much. Today really was awful. And the evil feelings I had. I kept thinking of my godly bror and how she would never dare to do what she did to me to him. It really is quite painful. I feel so childish having these feelings.
I really have no one to talk to either. My husband is so busy. I just wish he took some time here and there and just said to me " I know your hurting, but you will get through this, Everything will be ok" I guess in my perfect world that would happen.
He really is a good man, but everything seems to be bothering me about him lately. I still have resentment for what happened with my mom and him, and I have horrible resentment about how his children treat us and it goes unnoticed. I'm so over it. I really am. I don't want to argue with him about it but I just can't hold it in at times. Tonight I held it in but I wanted to say I'm so sick of this. I'm sick of your kids coming here and ignoring us and just asking us for money or whatever they need. I guess I don't have the energy this evening to walk in my closet and cry my eyes out by myself.
I guess those are other issues I really don't want to explore right now. I have to clean up my mind and work on the demons I have from my mom. It's terrible, absolutely terrible that I am such a mess. That I can't enjoy life and the people in it because I'm so messed up inside. I just wish I had a magic ball to know what will happen next.