Hello All,

About my ghost, I have tried many things. Holy water being one of them. I have tried crosses. I have tried the bible, reading from it. I have tried helping the ghost to the light, but he refuses to go. I have tried yelling at him. I have tried telling him to get out. I was going to do the smuging, but couldn't find anything local. I can't afford the high cost of shipping from some of these sites that also have a $25.00 minimum. So not able to move further on that.

As for myself, my hearts still acting weird since the overdose yesturday morning. Been having a lot of chest pain. Kind of what I get for screwing it up. I had no intention of waking up from it. And the night is coming and I feel like crap already. The night brings more flashbacks because of the dark night. I am terrified of the dark after being locked in a blacked out solitary room overnight 12 hours. The night seems to bring up memories and flashbacks of my stay at Van Nuys Psych when I was 16-17. Freaking hate that place. I wouldn't have the pain in my back if it wasn't for them there. But I guess it could be worse, I could still be paralized. I just want it to stop.

And reaching out for "help" is pointless. The hotlines, if you tell them your not suicidal, they say they have to let you go. If you say you are suicidal they keep you on the phone long enough to trace the call. I even have a MagicJack internet phone box and they still found me. If the cops come, from any "help", be it a hotline, a concerned friend or whatever they will take me to the mean ER in town. They have already done so much.

One time I was there, I told them I couldn't put a gown on because a gown was involved in past abuse. But I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt and had no problem pulling my shirt off for a minute and such for the medical exam. And had already given the urine sample. I was co-operating. So the nurse tells the charge nurse about the gown issue. The charge nurse stomps by yelling "get the restraints!". That kicks my heart into over drive.

She comes in with 8 other staff. She starts putting the restraints on the bed which is tripping off flashbacks of being restrained and abused in the past. While putting the restraints on the bed she tells me I have 30 seconds to put the gown on or they are all going to hold me down, cut my clothing from my body, put me in restraints, cut my diaper off (I'm incontinent) and put in a cathater and if I as so much as touch one of them while they are doing it I will be charged with assult and arrested.

I had no choice, I put on the gown and broke down in tears freaking out. The nurse smiling the who damn time. A hour later the doctor finally shows up. Doesn't even touch me. Never did the "exam" that was the reason everyone wanted the gown on me for. He just sits in a chair and says "boy, you must like getting treated like this, you keep coming back". I told him the cops brought me, otherwise I would never come there. He says "Stop calling the hotline and you won't be brought back here". So he made his point. I would rather overdose than call a hotline and be abused again.

Like I said in the title, I have just reached my breaking point. And feeling as I am already, and it's not even dark out yet, I don't know if I'm going to make it through the night. This time I won't make a mistake. I just can't handle it anymore you know.

I mean dang, I'm in the ER with a overdose and they send me home saying I'm "fine". The darn mental health worker wouldn't listen to me. She told me what I needed to hear. "If you say your suicidal your going to the hospital, but if you say your not suicidal you can go home". Yep, not suicidal no more. Bye!. I WON'T go back to the psych ward enough. Forget that. They have done another damage.

And besides, sitting me in my room 23 hours a day, only come out to eat isn't helpful. Nor is them screwing with my pain medication doses, cutting the doses in half. It's torture. I would much rather choose death than go through that again. Just how I feel. I do thank everyone for the supportive letters. And it did help a bit venting about what happened. I just don't want to keep reliving the flashbacks and nightmares anymore. I just can't do it anymore.

-Stanley