Hi there! I'm new here, but I thought that some help might be good! So...here's the thing. I'm 19, I'm a student in first year.I'm far away from home, 300 km. When I finished high-school I thought that after I'll take the exam and go to college arguments will stop in my house. It's true, I'm still depending on my family's money for food, books and so on. I've never been a child that caused problems, like self injury, going into alcohol, smoking or anything like that. I've always tried to do my best to keep my family happy and not disappoint them.
My dad just thinks that I've never done something to help him, that I'm wasting his money and everything I do is worthless. Verbally he is terrible, with me and my mother. Strange enough, when he is with other people he says that he's proud of his daughter, but when we're together the only thing he does is arguing with me, telling that I'm doing nothing with my life. I barely enjoy it, because I want to finish my studies and prove him that he's wrong. I don't want to live just to show him that I'm worth it. I know he didn't have such a good childhood, but he doesn't seem to move on from it. He always says that he tries to help but everytime he expects more in return. He expects me to be already good at something at 19. Can you have enough experience at this age? I'm just asking, 'cause I'm really confused...He has plenty of theory in his head, always explains it to me, but he doesn't follow it. Everytime I try to tell him what I'm thinking he says: I know what's in your head better than yourself.If you follow my rules you'll have a good life. Follow yourself and you'll ruin eveything.
Because of him I'm very analytical and afraid that if I do any mistakes he'll start telling me how stupid and retarded I am. I have a low self-esteem since I know myself, because for him grades always mattered more than me. Teachers here usually wouldn't pay any interest and hoped for money in particular. Because of that, we never learned something from them. I can't understand why even now when I have good grades, going regularly at college...I don't even spend money on clothes, I try to keep them only for college. He always tells me how I'm going to fail, not achieving anything in life. He always tries to control me through fear, which is something he denies. He says that he's actually trying to give me motivation, but what I feel to do is leave him. He had some moments when he was normal, but the next day he started again.
Our relatives, especially his mother has a dangerous effect on him. My grandma went to fortunetellers, witches and one day I found 3 crosses drawn on the house. Creepy, right?
I just wondered...Should I stop talking to him , find a job so he would leave me alone? Please help!