Hmmm, and by the way its been a few months since that origonal post and would like to share that finding a partner that i have been with for 7 months now the urge has died out and i focus now on loving each other instead of being hurt. I found someone i can Make Love to instead of wanting to get hurt. Ive found out that my urges are because my goal at the time was my inevitable end, and that those practices would fill a void needing to hert myself. Now i am finding safer and better ways to practice letting off steam and enjoying life. Finding my life partner has done wonders. thankyou for your comments. However the urge is always there but different now. dont know how to explain but soul searching the past months delving into things within myself has helped me to realize some things about me.