Bonnie, there are so many times when I get upset or I say things that sound so much like what my mother would say. I have always tried to control it so its not as bad. Yesterday was a day to remember ill say. I just had so many evil things in my mind from the past. A lot of anger and resentment. It turned to me crying and feeling guilty that I haven't called her. That i am a bad person and i am hurting the ones i love the most. I have guilt that I'm sure my dad is feeling bad because he doesn't get to see us the way it used to be.
You are right, I always have to remember that I am blessed with my two children. How do I stop the thoughts about my mother? I mean as I just wrote that I thought, why doesn't my mother feel this way about me and her grandchildren?
Bonnie, I'm scared that I will never have contact with her again. I'm scared because I don't want my life this way. I'm scared that I am not a different person and that I could have controlled my relationship with her all this time. Maybe I could have prevented the argument she had with my husband.
For now, I will concentrate on my priorities and just try and be happy. It's just sometimes I do feel bad that I am going through so much with this little baby and I feel so alone. I feel that way for a little while and then I get over it and move on. But it enters my head and I feel so hurt that my mother isn't here with me. Maybe that makes me a baby. Who knows.