Three years ago I was diagnosed with BPD and it seemed like a legit diagnosis, in fact I would say that when I read through the symptoms as well as several books I felt as if I was reading an autobiography.

I was adopted and my adoptive parents also abandoned me (obviously as did my biological parents) so the biggest thing I seem to struggle with is abandonment.

I had a history of absolutely terrible relationships that were abusive in physical, sexual, and emotional ways and eventually married one of these abusers who later abused me to the point of being legally un able to see him (restraining order) so I was forced to move on even though I would have given him another chance because I was so terrified of living life on my own.

None of the above is to say I haven't made mistakes. I've lied, I've been abusive with my words, and on occasion I have even hit things and broken things as well.

After that ordeal I took more than a year and a half off from dating at all and focused on me. I went through DBT, EMDR, counseling in general, and got involved in other activities. I even landed an amazing job for a year that involved a lot of travel, made new friends, and made enough money to go back to school which is where I am now.

Nearly 2 years ago I met my now fiance and still had no symptoms of BPD or even panic disorder which is another thing I struggle with. This was the first person I had ever dated in my entire life who was kind, listened to me, respected me, never got angry, and never made me question his motives or integrity.

About 6 months ago it came out that he was doing something, and had been for the previous year and a half, that though may not be major to some people is something that I am very, very against (he claimed to be as well) and something that does NOT bode well in our church which is a place we are very very involved in (in fact he was previously on staff in the music department!)

Since then it's like it all came back. I have panic attacks, outbursts of anger, yelling fits where I tell him it's over and he will never see me again yet I know in my head that I won't leave because other than that, he's never, ever, done anything to hurt me and for the last 6 months it hasn't been an issue.

I don't know what to do. I have suicidal idealization again, I feel hopeless and I all-around hate my life. II DON'T GET IT.

Like I said, I am a student. I have no insurance. I was working with a counselor who is doing her Master's right now (so I guess she is simply in training, not actually a counselor) who worked for CHEAP at my school but it wasn't helping. I did find someone today who has a sliding scale that is feasible for me but I don't have an appointment with her until Friday.

I feel like I am back to my old self that makes me feel like I am crazy. I don't get it. I don't get why that event triggered me back into every last thing I ever hated about myself and worked so hard to fix. I don't see how one mistake suddenly turned him into the worst person possible but in my eyes HE IS.