I understand what you mean - and I do tend to enjoy them.

At the same time, I have a lot of nights that I don't remember. I've woken up and not known where I was. I've gotten lost in unknown cities because I decided I didn't need to pay any attention to where I was.

What I really mean is that I have never experienced psychosis - I am always grounded in that way. And I have such a low self-esteem most of the time that I never get an overly inflated ego - my biggest ego is "Yeah I am pretty awesome actually!!!!!" as opposed to "I'M KING OF THE WORLD!!!"

I pay more attention to it as energy than my actual mood. I'll be so wired that I can't really sleep and am all over the place. I'll be babbling to someone and switch topics half way through a sentence because I forgot what I was saying, and make a million plans with people and then forget about them or realize that I've double or triple-booked... So.. it complicates things, and has caused me trouble.

I just don't do things that would stand out to a random stranger.

(and by relax, I mostly meant that I let my inhibitions go... sorta like I would when drunk, but I'll do the same thing sober. Normally I am very reserved in regards to my thoughts!)