Hey guys. It has been a little bit since I posted anything. But something has been laying on my heart and I am not real sure what to do w/ it.

A SHORT SUMMERY: I told my H at the end of March that I was raped repeatedly before we met. I also discussed this w/ the T and our marriage was as good as over. But I stayed and was gonna try to work on things. My H was mentally and emotionally abusive, and we were just having so many issues. Our marriage was over and by telling him I had nothing to lose because our marriage was as good as over anyway.

As the months have passed things have gotten so much better. He is not longer abusive, he wants to work things out and so do I. There are still problems, thay mostly reside with me and the affects of rape and he is angry/hurt that I waited 18 years to share this w/ him.

In some ways I feel like I owe him an apology for the crap that has come along w/ me being his wife. In reality I don't owe him anything. My own husband was abusive and he is angry at me. I do not owe him an apology for my rape. That sentence alone makes no sense. But the reality is there are some serious issues and I feel like an explanation or an apology is necessary because he did not sign up for this. He is having to pay the price for what someone else did 20+ years ago. He doesn't know I pay the price daily as I live threw the memories, the night mares and the flashbacks.

I want to write my H a letter. Here is what I have so far.

Dear ________,

I would like to take a moment to apologize to you for all the things I have done to you. I know that I have totally shaken your faith in our marriage and in me. I have made you question everything you have ever done and everything you are doing. That was never my intent.

I gained the insight and got the help needed w/ the past T's we have had in our lives. Because I didn't know what to do I decided that telling you about the past may be beneficial. I never meant for it to make things worse. I am very sorry that it appears that I have been living a lie. I was not living a lie, I was living in my own personal hell and didn't want to put you in a position similar to mine. No one needs to know how another was treated, when it comes to such things as what I have told you. I know some of the things I told you were horrific. I want you to know that not telling you had little to do w/ you. I told you in the beginning what you needed to know, the bare minimum to keep me safe. Now you know the whole ugly truth. I hate that you had to ever find out, I hate that this ever happened to me, and I hate the affect it is having on us.

The things that happened so long ago has caused me to dissociate every time you touch me. It has ruined our sex life, it has ruined every since of touch that can be shared between a husband and wife. We can't even hold hands or hug because of this monster. I know it appears that I am happy and content with this. That is so far from the truth. I am not content, it is a way of life I have grown to accept. It kills me inside to know that I think that way every time you touch me, it hurts me to know that you are trying to show your love for me and I reject it every time. I know it is not right and it is not normal to be so opposed to touch. As humans we are designed to need touch. I am so incredibly sorry that the ability to love has been taken from me. I know it looks like I don't care or that I am good w/ that but I am not. I just don't know how else to be. I don't know how to accept touches, to let my guard down, and I can't make myself like something that I just don't like. I am trying to learn to be accepting but to be accepting and to be forward enough to touch you back is so much more then I can handle at the moment.

Right now I feel like my life has been turned upside down and I don't know which way to go. I want to be friendly and be accepting of your touches, I want to be available to you to talk to. I use the computer and it is not a attempt to put something in front of you, it is the only way I know to socialize that is safe, with people who who understand how I am different and how such things affect a person. It hurts me that I have to feel like I am betraying your trust and love because I use the computer. For so long you were not an active part of my life and I made friendships outside of me and you, and now I have these friends and these bonds with folks that I don't feel ready to let go. I feel bad enough as it is and freakish enough that being able to come to the computer and talk to people who have been where I have been is encouraging. I do love you but the stress I feel and the newness of all of this is overwhelming. Right now I need the computer and the friends I have made to help encourage me. I need the time to think about things and to think things threw. I have more things going on inside of me then you are aware of.

What started as an apology has turned into an explanation. I do want to apologize for any feelings of deception you have because of me, I am so sorry I am not able to receive your love or return your love. Just because I can't return it or can accept your doesn't mean I don't feel your love or love you. That would be so far from the truth. I just cant show it or accept your advances at the moment. It kills me to be so cold and unaccepting. It hurts me to see the denial in your face. It hurts me be the way I am. I am so sorry you have to deal with all of this. That the rape I suffered is causing you pain and suffering as well. I just want you to know I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart. I wish this never happened, I wish I never had to tell you, I wish there were nothing to tell. But there is, and I did in hope of recovering and making this better. I am hoping the truth will set me free, set us free. I just thought you should know where I stand and I am so sorry for all that has happened.

I am terrible w/ spoken words. I am at a point where I am am falling apart all the time and my emotions are not cooperating so well. So I have chosen to write this instead of say it out loud. The important thing is that I am speaking the truth with not so much volume but with just as much heart as it would be used had I been talking.

Please accept my apology.

So my question to you all is does this say what it should, does it say to much, not enough, is it stupid, is it ill written, is it as scattered as I feel? Does this sound like something that shows that I am sorry w/ out making him feel worse. Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated. (if for some reason you need the whole story there is a part I and a part II here in the abuse forum, feel free to look under my statistics)