Today I found out that I don't get honor cords for my high school graduation. I know it sounds petty, but I've always wanted them. Also, it makes me look like a fool because I applied to (and of course got rejected at) some pretty competitive schools for college. I really like the school I'm going to, but all of my friends thought that I was a much smarter person than I am. My family members are coming and I want them to think that I was smart (( I always thought that I would have the cords, but so many things got in the way, and I started making really bad grades especially my junior year, which was a very tough emotional year for me in every aspect. This time last year, I had no intention of living to see graduation, so my grades didn't really matter to me. I told my parents I didn't want to walk in the fall but they laughed and thought I could bring my GPA up, but it wasn't really enough. I was really close to the cutoff too. I just hate not being good enough, and knowing it was all my fault, and I'm the only one to blame for sabotaging myself and getting in the way of my vision. I would pull out now but I made a commitment to my school's band to perform with them, and I have an important solo. I don't want to highlight myself if I'm obviously stupid. Kids have to pay for honor cords, so I suppose I could just say that I didn't want to pay for them.... even though they are only $10. Every single one of my friends will have them. I'm so sad this isn't how I wanted graduation to be. I was going to retake a class I got a C- in, but my parents thought I could bring my GPA up more. I hate myself. I'm so sad. I feel like I've disappointed all of my friends and family who thought I was smart. I've cried for hours. I won't want to take any pictures or talk to anyone without the cords. I started out high school so strong, and even my good friends who dealt with depression and SH during high school have stellar grades, like 3.8 or 3.9 GPAs. I'm the only one. I know it isn't that big of a deal, but it makes me sooooooooooooooooooo sad. I just want someone to cheer me up because nobody in my house has even made a decent effort I was always the smart one. Everyone always thought I was smart. My friends try to tell me that I'm smart, but they don't understand anything. I want to graduate, but not go through this torturous graduation.