Big Mama,

You have been working so hard at repairing your marriage this past year, I am amazed by your strength!

Like Hermit, I too noticed your apologies. I don't believe that you owe him so many (or any!), as you tolerated his abuse. You can apologize if you feel that you need to, for not being more open about your past. But, you seem to bring more shame to yourself in the letter, as you apologize for him now knowing the whole ugly truth. That just feels SO SAD to me. Sad for you ~ as though you are taking on so much responsibility for your marital problems. I just don't know if that's your intention...but that's what comes across to me.

It feels like you blame yourself and your rape as the culprit of dissociation during intimacy. I feel that you do explain that impulse very well. I don't know that he will be very understanding of it though. (For me, guys have acknowledged my past, but then they expect me to let go of the pain and memories. Now that they know. It doesn't work that way. Me sharing this info is to allow them insight to my behavior, not meant to be a "fix" for it.) From there, you also explain your need for understanding and insight that you are able to get from friends you've made through the computer. Perhaps your hub will understand where you're coming from through this letter. I hope that it works well for you.

Best wishes to you!