I felt that way as I was coming to terms with what I want for the future, if I wanted it to continue or start healing. I felt so much loss of control because people were telling me I "should" stop, or to report to them every time I felt that way or went through with it. I know they were caring, but I felt that it's my coping mechanism and they're trying to take it away! They were trying to take the method that I used to feel in control! So I felt a sense of retaliation, almost, like... It's my freakin body and my situation, and right now I feel like SI helps me get through stuff. Well, it took some more time for me to truly want to reduce how much I do it. Hopefully you will get to choose if you want to recover. I don't think it's helpful to be forced into recovery, I don't think it will work. But the torn feeling was something I definitely felt and struggled with, because our relationships with SI are very complicated since we know it's overall not healthy for us, but it definitely works for the moment and is a way to stay alive.

Oh and it's completely possible to love someone with scars.