I feel so very guilty. I wish I would have never told him sometimes. It has been a very long 2 or 3 months. I feel so responsible for the issues at hand. My H is quite frustrated, he tells me frequently that there is no other news I could tell him that would devastate him more. Except an affair maybe. (which there has never been one by the way) He has lost all trust in me. He says these things when he is tired, to tired to cover the truth. So when I appolgise, it is for my contribution to this, it is because I feel guilt.

I also know that it is unrational, because I didn't ask for this, and I didn't feel safe enough to tell him, but I still have this strange need to let him know somehow that I understand his frustration and I am so sorry. I didn't keep it from him on purpose. I guess by me assuming the guilt I am trying to make him feel better. It release him of the choices he made that made me be closed off in the first place. I have no self esteem, I am a people pleaser and I always put pressure on myself to make those around me feel loved and happy. I can't do that in this situation. I did the wrong and can't take it back. The wrong of telling him and being so open. When the time for honesty came I poured my heart out, 18 years worth of pain. I took great care to minimize what I needed to tell him because it was slightly gruesome. It was an absolute shock to him and I felt so guilty.

I have T tomorrow and I have a feeling that I need to show this to her before I show it to my H. I think it has things she needs to know. She has been great so far at helping deal w/ all of this stuff.

Thank you guys, Mill and Shez for your kind responses. I cannot tell you how much your insight and your input means to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.