Improper grammar there, but I liked the ring of it.

So a couple nights ago, browsing the facebook, I see all these old friends and giant fun parties that I was not invited to. I was visiting a newish girlfriend at the time, and she totally gets it, has been through lost friends too, and I cried. She's the fabulously skinny healthy yoga fitness guru to inspire me. But she's also got a strong melancholy tendency, and deeply emotional like me. I let her know I appreciate her new friendship so much. We're not lovers she's pretty straight and I don't even know what I am, she has said she wishes I was a guy... :/ I like being a woman.

But that night I couldn't sleep, mind wouldn't stop, missing the old friends. Thinking they must hate me, breaking down every piece of history I could remember to figure out why I'd been cut out. Which thing did I do to lose my friends? I want friends, so I want to change whatever I was doing wrong. I don't want to make the same mistakes with these new friends...

The time at that bachelorette party maybe? where we did a bunch of drugs, and I slept with this really cool tattooed redhead chick?. In the morning one of the other girls said she thought she heard sex in the night, so I pretended it was me by myself lol. Red had to work and gave me a kiss and left before everyone woke up. No one would have known if she hadn't thrown her panties across the room and forgot them there hanging over the fireplace! I wasn't really doing anything worse than anyone else. The drugs were not my plan or idea, just kind of happened and I went along for the ride. And the bride gleefully announced that she was so happy that lesbian sex happened at her bachelorette party, that made it all the perfect party.

Then at that wedding, bride's twin sister (they're not identical - I've always looked more like her sister the bride than she does - the principal in high school used to get us mixed up and call the wrong one into detention - we had him so confused lol) so twin asked me about Red and the bachelorette party, and I could not for the life of me remember Red's name! Oh the horror - bfg... Anyway twin gave me a nasty look. And in a group said something snarky to shame me. Concurrently, I had a boyfriend, and a female lover, and I was sleeping a bit with twin's best guy friend - he was also one of my best guy friends. And there were some combos amongst the 4 us - they all seemed amused when I told them I "cheated" with the redhead... Red's a cool lady, we're still friends on fb, but she lives hours away or she'd be a fun friend. But it all became public and some people I think were more judgmental than I expected.

I was on Welbutrin at the time wheeee... Twin turned her nose at that a bit, she's tried Welbutrin and it made her very impulsive and horny and made her lose weight. I was much thinner then and she became quite heavy, I wonder if she thought I was thin because I was on drugs - which I was not on drugs - I only did the drugs with them that they provided at that party. Another girl also got very judgmental on me about my love affairs... Looking back, I was probably a bit out of control. And hypo. But it was 5 years ago, I was mid 30's, been so prudent my whole life, and felt like living it up. And that time was very fun, but not something I do anymore.

Why else might they have out-casted me? I did probably seem flakey when depressed and couldn't get out of bed or answer calls for lengths of time. That could have made me look like a druggie or something? And then there was a wedding I flaked on of another friend in the group, I'd also slept with her during "the time". I think she was hoping for it to continue... the lover thing. But her wedding, I was depressed and had a breakdown that morning... crying spell from hell. Couldn't make it. I felt horrible and I missed all the fun. But I had so much going on with my son, and myself, I really thought she would understand and she is a psychotherapist. But she did not, she was very angry. I've been trying to mend this bridge with her for a few years now. Almost told her about my bp dx, but then she told me all about her mother who had bp and was so horrible to her, etc...

So this is like my diary here, lol... 2 nights ago when I was crying about these lost friendships... I reached out to the bride friend, and the psychotherapist friend, L & L... I no longer have their cells on new phone, no I don't backup data like I should. I wrote them each a short sweet, saying hi, miss them, message on facebook. I expected to be ignored as usual. But no- they both L & L wrote back to me yesterday - very nice messages, both sounding happy to hear from me and wanting to get together, one invited me to come bbq. They both have kids 4 and 2 yr olds who I've never met... Time just flew by, ughh now I'm crying again.

Here's the current problem - I'm having a mind block at responding to them now! This is what I wanted but now that ball is in my court, I'm already dropping it, fumbling, almost panicked at how to make my response. And the huge anxiety that I will flake on them again, and feel like a failure again.

I obviously just need to do it - keep the ball rolling - have some faith in myself. I'm scared, my social anxiety is off the hook and most people in rl have no idea what I go through.

I have an opportunity to rebuild friendships with 2 ladies I adore and respect and they're local and I miss them. Can I do it or will I just fail like I always do? The window is short, if I flake again, there may not be another opportunity. I hate this about myself, I get stuck, I don't follow through, I let people down and then they leave me. Here I am wasting time on crying, when I could just walk through the fire and write back to them, and have a backbone and follow through, and do my part in the friendships.

Thanks for reading.

-me.