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Originally Posted by Readytostop
MUE... I forget who suggested it but I thought it was a good suggestion. Can you word it so that you are saying "It makes me feel ____ when you say ____"? Can you say it makes me feel like you don't respect my feelings when you say or do___ or It makes me feel like its your way or the highway whenever I say something you don't agree when you don't acknowledge that you've heard me but say I'm just being unwilling?
MUE... you keep saying you are not ready for T to terminate you or for you to leave and find another T but OTOH you say that you know you are upsetting him, that you are risking that he will terminate you, etc... You even have a plan if something "tragically" happens but are you sure you are not subconsciously making it happen so you don't have to talk and work through the trauma?
So how did you leave things with your T and with your group? Can you take a break and sit with this for a while so that you are just not letting your emotions get a head of what you may want in a week or a month?
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Thanks, RTS. I am definitely being careful in how I word things. I am stating things that he's said to me and stating how I feel about those things.
I absolutely don't believe that I am trying to make it happen. I need to feel trusting and safe with my T - and after his reaction to me when I tried to set a limit with him, I lost that sense of trust and safety with him. I'm trying to address it with him so we can work past it so I can get back to doing my work.
He told me that I should have talked through my ambivalence about group with him, and I told him I was scared to because of how he's been behaving towards me. Yet, he refuses to see his part it in and blames it on my actions and does everything in his power to point the finger back at me.
I am trying to go about it in a way that may be easier to hear and asking for his help in being able to properly communicate my fears and concerns. I cannot be held responsible for his feelings, especially when all I'm doing is trying to address my fears, perceptions, etc. to my own therapist. I am not doing it in an attacking or hurtful way, but somehow it seems to trigger that reaction in him anyway. He then blames me for his reaction - while trying to teach us to own our own reactions. It's so contradictory, it's confusing.
At the moment, I am feeling cautious about group and not totally committed. I'm still trying to figure it all out without making reactive drastic decisions. The group has been very caring towards me, for the most part. T accused me of being unfair and intending to harm the group. Luckily, the rest of the group members don't feel that way.
As far as T goes, I admitted that I am not feeling very trusting of T right now. And he seems to be using the blog as a way to craft the image in people's minds of how it's all me and not him at all. I don't know how to respond to that at the moment. Hence, another reason why I am emailing him and asking for his help in how to properly address this with him.