hamstergirl

Yes, we care about you. And I know you have people around you that care as well.

{{{{{{hamstergirl}}}}}}

You have been putting a lot of effort into this. Please keep trying. I understand in large part "the system" is not giving you what you need but you have to keep trying and not believing that you are doomed before you even begin.

I'm sorry the advocate wasn't much help. Was the advocate someone who was a stranger to you, someone they appointed on your behalf? That's kind of what it sounds like from your description. I would still like to suggest you get someone like Doug or Father Lindsay to speak on your behalf. Let them know EXACTLY why these experiences have not been working out for you. Let them intervene in the hospital for those things that you are unable or unwilling to ask for.

>> The nurses were nice, but busy and the ward was full of sick people. I wasn't going to bother them.

The ward was full of people who needed the nurses help. You were one of those people. In many regards I'm sure you needed some attention much more than the other people there. They are there to help, asking something of them is not "bothering" them. If Doug or Father Lindsay could be with you, they could have called the nurses on your behalf for whatever needs you had.

>> There was a program that offered intensive psychotherapy at the hospital during the day.

That sounds like it could be a very helpful option for you. Tell Father Lindsay about it. Let him try to convince them that your medical problems won't interfere with your attendance, have them make an exception for you, or find another alternative that would suit you better.

>> If I needed to talk to someone, I wrote a letter to Doug. I wrote some scary stuff in there. Never showed it to my shrink or I'd still be in there, besides, they only want face to face encounters, not the written word.

This is your depression talking, and I believe it is a big barrier toward getting the help you need. You can't really live by both statements, because they contradict each other. If there were no hope of them reading that letter, then there would be no fear that there would be repercussions from showing to them. Instead of thinking "they won't read it anyway, and if they do they'll do something bad to me" try to convince yourself that maybe they will read it, and maybe some good will come from them reading it.

I think that is an important thing for you to work on... a large part of the difficulty is that they can never really see what you need because you hide it from them. Therefore they offer treatment contrary to your needs, and of course you end up disappointed by that. Something has got to change. I am hoping that Doug or Father Lindsay could really be the catalyst that could help... let them tell the doctors and nurses those things which you are afraid to say or that you instictively hide.

Of course this requires that you don't hide these things from Doug or the Father. They must not only hear everything you have to say (either by you telling them or by letting them read your letters and messageboard posts) and they must understand exactly what things turn you off about going to the hospital or for any sort of treatment, so that they can do their best to try to take action on your behalf.

I also understand very well, when you speak of your needs, of the simple things like needing someone to hug you and hold you. I think you need to let Father Lindsay know that as well. You said that someone in the church group gave you a hug and that it was very helpful. I think that is one of the best forms of "treatment" but people aren't always going to be able to anticipate your need. That is true in general but with your medical problems people may also be hesitant because they don't know if a hug would cause you physical pain or stress.

There is nothing wrong with putting that on your list of needs, right at the very top if need be, and letting Doug and Father Lindsay know about it, so that they can have to opportunity to provide that and encourage others to do so as well... in the church, in your home, and in the hospital.

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