I don't think you want to appologize so much as you want him to understand you. It sounds like you feel some guilt over your inabilities or difficulties in some aspects you feel should be part of your mariage, I.e. sex, touching and physical love.

I know what you went hough was very difficult and it must feel like bell all over again reliving the experiencence by telling your husband and therapist about them. I hope it talking about it provides you some healing and it gives your husband some insight what is going on with you and what you need from him, that he hasn't been doing for 18 years.

Try not to think of what is owed and how much blame each person has for the problems that exist. Try to figure out how to better give each other what you want out of your marriage and mend the damage that has happened.

I think you have a lot of strength to endure what has happened to you by an awful person, and then to be in a difficult releationship for 18 years on top of that. It is much more than I could have endured. My thoughts go out to you, and I hope things get into a place where you can feel blessed by your life and people in it.