I'm 54 and played around with my medications for 20 years. I never told anyone I was bipolar and sure enough after 2 years at the age of 39 I went into every disaster that could happen, at least for me being bipolar 2. Finances,
Gambling, Drugs, Sex addiction and I had a health care degree and thought I could OUTSMART this illness. It showed me. I am where I am today because of bad choices and there is no going back. All of my story here is to tell you to STOP hating yourself, no other reason. I know your situation is much different than mine. This is what I tell myself and it works. On the medication I have so many more filters or layers that help me make good choices instead of acting on impulses. It's truly hard for someone who isn't bipolar to understand. Like taking antibiotics for an infection, you may get over that infection but that doesn't ever mean you won't have to take them again..