I feel so low right now, and tired, that I cant even fathom and fully feel the lowness of my low. I am recovering from an eating disorder, this year ive been binging -havnt done in 2 years.. im trying to move past this slump. Its been rough, first part of year was bad spiraled into depression and anorexia hard.. Mainly not eating at first due to mood. No appetite. Depressed. Anyways I was firstly diagnosed with bulimia, and well the symptoms of binging are back. ive been doin good, today I felt sooo good and so ready with faith im gona get beter and to really try...
Well, tonight, at 4am, I was in bed. Starving. craving sweets. I actually got up and ate. I asked on a poll site what to do when your hungry at night, everybody said EAT! So I did. But, I don't think I did sanely. 1. That is so un like me to get out of bed and eat, unless im SOOOO starving to where I feel I might be sick. Or im up late with other people and were all hungry. 2. I only had to make it through today. Day was frickin OVER. I was in bed! I couldn't just call it a night. Like damn... I was IN bed.. come on!
I feel so pathetic and ..not even disappointed.. just.. I don't even know. I feel ashamed, disguisted, let myself down once again. Im vowed not to do anything self destructive- including over eating. This may not have been a full out binge, but it was self destructive- in a way that its causing me lack of sleep (which I need right now and trying to fix sleep schedule), causing me worrys about feeling sick now or bein up later or havin bad dreams.. Feeling low, I could have just took comfort I could eat 2moro.. or have dreams of eating.
I thought to myself..i COULD eat that tomorrow. But- felt it wasn't gona happen, or id loose my appetite anyways next day. Or wouldn't be able to give into a craving sanely so wouldn't be able to.
I feel so ****** about myself lately.. and I want my life back! I cant believe what I just did. I don't wana beat myself up about it, cus that in itself is self destructive as well... I stopped eating enough to not have tooooo much and or a full binge, and now I mise well keep some part of the deal tonight by not obsessing over this.

Any tips or advice or words?
Why couldn't I just have stayed in bed? I felt tired as I got up too, and still continued to the kitchen. How could this have been stoped, or avoided.?

(btw, I ate quite a few spoonfulls of peanut butter, with some chocolate sauce. and tried to make something eles with yogurt and caramel (recipe I saw online) but it didn't turn out so I only had a couple of bites of that. )

Ive finished more than half a jar of peanut butter in like, a week or less. -_______-