I know what you mean. I got progressively worse (in actions, not necessarily in terms of how I felt) over a period of at least 20 years before I felt like anyone took me seriously. I started with trying to tell someone/ask for help. Crying, not eating, head banging and various (non-cutting) SI methods failed to get the point across. Eventually it progressed to suicidal gestures (involving cutting) and passive suicide attempts such as wandering around dark streets in black clothes wishing to be hit by a car or something. It still wasn't believed for a number of years.

It really is a failing in the system or something - but unless you are an adult with your own money to spend and the ability to advocate for yourself, it is very hard to get effective treatment until there is some drastic evidence that it is necessary. Maybe it would be of some comfort for you to know that this problem is being recognized, and there is research in progress to demonstrate the need and effectiveness of early intervention to prevent depression in at risk children and teens and to treat it earlier. Where I see difficulty is in how this early intervention is to be funded. Yes, it costs less to treat depression early or to prevent it than it does to treat it after it has become more severe, but kids don't have those resources and too many parents deny that their kids could have a problem. The only way I can see for it to work would be to go through the schools.

There are reasons why people like us slip through the cracks. One is the lack of support from parents; even discouragement and interference. Another thing is just that we seem to have it all together. Not acting out or being a problem, managing to handle the demands of school and work. Eventually it reaches a breaking point, but up until then, it just doesn't look that bad to people who can't get inside your head and feel what you feel.

What can you do about it? The squeaky wheel gets the grease, but if you complain too much to the wrong people they decide that you must have Borderline Personality Disorder, and somehow they think that gives them an excuse not to listen. So find someone who will listen to you and advocate for you, like your pastor, and tell them how bad it is and what will happen if you are not taken seriously. Make it clear that it isn't a threat - it is something you are doing your best not to act on, but might not be able to keep in check without some help. Get this person to step in and help you explain what is going on to your parents, to care providers who miss the point, wherever you don't be able to get it across on your own. Once you have established a relationship with a therapist or somebody, and they understand and are helping, then things start to get better. It takes a lot of effort on your part too - nobody can make you better; all anyone can do is guide you. Sometimes it takes hitting bottom before you are able to push off and start really getting better.

I hope that some of this is helpful to you.

<font color=orange>"Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."</font color=orange>