My daughter, age 27, was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder when she was a teenager. Because she spent much of her childhood in foster homes, I didn't know this until fairly recently. Right now she's living with my husband and me, and she says the ODD still affects her. The research I've been able to do is mixed as far as whether or not a teenager with ODD outgrows it.

As someone with chronic depression, I know I don't want to be confronted with, "Oh, just quit being so gloomy and find some joy in life." It doesn't work that way. It's not so simple. Therefore, although there is a tendency to think "oppositional defiance" is nothing more than fancy talk for "I don't care about the rules, I'm going to do whatever I want, and screw you," I don't want to trivialize my daughter's condition as others have done with me. But it's hard for me to understand sometimes that she isn't TRYING to be rude, disrespectful, or just plain mean.

For example, I've been sick for several days now. Yesterday in the middle of a pounding migraine, I boiled water to make iced tea, and I had the tea steeping on the stove when I went to sit down on the couch. I usually just steep it until it seems strong enough. I don't time it with a stopwatch, for crying out loud. But when I sat down, daughter asked me how long the tea had been steeping. I said I didn't know. She got mad at me. "Well, then how am I supposed to know how much longer to let it steep?" she asked me, tossing in a profanity. I told her I didn't feel well enough to pay attention to it, whereupon she stormed off to the kitchen to check on the tea. As she left, she did a playground-style mocking voice under her breath, mimicking me saying I didn't feel well.

I refuse to believe I deserved it. But if she has ODD, does that mean I have to take it because she can't help herself? I've been abused enough in my life, and I'm tired of putting up with it.

When my husband confronted her later, she said she was just venting frustration, and she's sorry "if" it hurt my feelings. I know from past experience that if I had confronted her myself, she would have accused me of being oversensitive and nitpicking her.

By the way, no, she is not seeing a counselor or taking any medication, although she has filed for disability and is waiting for their answer.