I have been diagnosed with depression. I do believe I am depressed. I also know that everyone's depression is diffrent. However, part of me believes that depression doesn't fully or appropriately describe my condition.

I feel as if I am insane. Not insane like I talk about nonsense or cant form coherent sentences... I feel insane because my head, to me, is 'empty'. I feel like a fraud. My conversations go like this: 'Hey, hows it going? Good, good. Well, talk to you later.' And that's about it. I feel as if I've discovered who I am, and I hate that person. I feel like I have tricked everyone who cares about me. Look at what I am writing - every sentence begins with 'I feel..'. It just furthur indicates how selfish I truly am. My life has consisted of self pleasure and satisfaction - through drugs, through sex, through entertainment of any kind.

Now I have reached a tipping point. Every day I have one goal - to make it through the day. But for what? To get to the next day and do it all over again. My survival tactics are based on avoidance... of everyone. I am only 'OK' when I am alone. It is only a matter of time until I am figured out by everyone. Some people probably already have.

I am on medication but this, to me isn't a 'mood' problem. I don't believe medication will put thoughts into my head or help. I am tasked with reversing the entire way I have lived my life - but have resigned somewhat to the belief that this task is too hard, too monumental to undertake. Just existing makes me feel like a fraud. I can't represent myself because I hate that person. I'm in a deep hole.

Thanks for reading. I don't know what to expect with this post. I just needed to say those things.