You don't sound insane at all. Many of us, myself included, have felt we are living a lie, that we don't deserve to breathe air, that we have no worth, that there's nothing for us so why bother. This is where a therapist can really help. Medication can do a lot, but you get the best treatment results when you pair medication with psychotherapy. If you're taking drugs now, you may need extra help replacing drugs with something healthier.

I know what you mean by being overwhelmed with the task of changing your entire life and remaking yourself. I've suffered a lot of losses in the last ten years. Each time, I have had to redefine myself. It was not easy or pleasant and I resented having to do it. I had a hard time growing up. Numerous people important to me did a lot to screw me up. I really resented having to clean up the mess they made of my life and psyche. But no one else is going to do it. I just kept at it, and things have gotten better overall.

It's not too late to change. It will just take awhile. And you have to keep pushing yourself when you really don't want to. That's the hardest part for me. Find a therapist. Find support groups in your area. Post here at PC. If you don't feel the meds are working or the side effects are unbearable, get your doctor to change the meds. There are a lot of meds out there. Something has to work. Likewise, there are many therapists out there. If you don't "click" with one, go see someone else. These things will help you on your journey to discovering who you are and becoming comfortable with your self and your life.