Well, I'm feeling a little better now, spent some time baking on my roof... nice place to sit, nice out. Not sure it's a good thing to feel better... I tend to forget what's wrong if my mood's a little better, which makes it a lot harder to seek help, which I obviously still need seeing as how I'll soon enough be just as bad again. But it's nice to feel a little less turmoil inside.
I guess I'm not going to do anything dumb for now. In this moment of clarity, my plan is to *try* talking with my pastor soon, probably about seeing a professional counselor again. I'll see him tomorrow... probably too much to hope to talk with him then... but maybe he'll be able to give me a day next week we can. And Monday I'll call my PCP's office about that prescription.
Of course, I know better than to think it's going to work out perfectly... or well, probably. And I know that when I once again feel suicidal I likely won't be making any calls, I'll just go in a circle of wanting to call but not doing it and feeling horrible because I don't. And should I call, I'll neglect to say I'm suicidal, or downplay it if it's a suicide line, mostly because I'll lose my thoughts at that moment. Yeah, these are just the realities of my life and how I "work."
At least I know I'd be calling someone if I were actually about to commit suicide. That's in my plan... I have this old cell phone with no service, but those always work for 911, so I figure I'd give it a try, talk to someone, and still have all my options intact. It'd be anonymous, because even if they tracked it to my family I could say I'd thrown it out - if I decided to walk away from the plan. Or I could let them help me, or go through with it, feels pretty "safe."