I don't know how many times, I have read this thread and thought about it, since I first read it the night before last. Now, I think, I can type out a decent reply.

You are right about the answers to your questions.

Many of your answers can be found through knowing and understanding yourself. Experiences allow for self discovery, as long as we take the time to contemplate those experiences and our emotions. Living in the confines of the majority will deny this, at least that is what it was like for me. I have found accepting myself has allowed me to grow, since effort is put in myself rather than on pleasing and conforming to others.

Once you know yourself well enough, it will be evident in your relationships. People seem to notice, when we have accepted who we are. One lady described it to me as "at peace with yourself".

How do you communicate with others? How is your view about yourself and others. If you are pessimistic about relationships, it will be evident in all your interactions with others and in your body language.

Theory of mind deficits seen in people with Asperger's Syndrome (AS) interfere with relationships, because of the lack of perspective taking. It also interferes with the expression of emotions. Another thing that gets them into trouble is what they think others expect from them. I think this can be applied to BPD.

BPD, like AS, is a developmental disorder. People meet milestones in their emotional development later, than the average person. Trying to conform to the norm, only deprives one's development. It is best to learn about yourself, at your own pace.