I am no stranger to dissociation, as I have done it to various degrees as long as I can remember. The weirdness has just started recently though (the last 6 months or so). I was reading on co-consciousness, but it's not quite the same. I have told me T about it, but he doesn't really seem to be able to tell me what it is, he just kinda listens. I guess I don't make it clear I am trying to categorize this because it is weird and new to me.
I have dissociated (at least) twice now where my thoughts and voice are one part of me, but I have no real control over my actions - meaning they don't come from the same place. The first time I noticed this was during my first or second session with my new therapist. I was triggered by seeing the funeral home and cemetery where my aunt was buried for the first time in about 20 years. My head felt distant as did my voice, but the distant part of me was doing the talking. My body however, was working to self-soothe. I was playing with a stress toy, but only because I felt like someone was "telling" me to do so, and my body was just doing it because it felt compelled to do it... I don't feel like I'm explaining it correctly, but I can't find the words to convey the difference.
Anyway, it happened several more times since then, and again this past week. My head/mind feels disconnected from my body. I feel like I'm talking and thinking from another room. It's not quite depersonalization (in my opinion) because I feel connected to what I say, but not necessarily my actions. It kicks in when I get stressed or feel threatened. It happens when the self-destructive part of me kicks into high gear - I feel like I separate myself from that, though not consciously. In the past, it always resulted in total dissociation complete with loss of time. Now, I know what's going on, but just not connected to it. I feel compelled to the action, but not really like I have conscious control over it. Mostly it's actions to help keep me safe, but I'm not always having unsafe thoughts, just stressed.
Has anyone experienced this (either the change in dissociation value or the weird disconnect)? It's unsettling, and I guess I'm just grasping for answers. I have yet to find an adequate way to describe all this. I cannot seem to find the words that covey what it really feels like.