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~EnlightenMe~ · Jun 07, 2013, 04:16 PM

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Originally Posted by elliemay

Some of those are quite eggregious, others, well, not so much.

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I also hate the "one-upper", or those who take what you say and make it about themselves or how they feel. It's just sad.

You are posting to this post and it involves you and your feelings and relates to your experiences. Is that really sad? I don't think so. I think you are stating your opinion.

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On the flip side though, does everything have to be validated? (1) isn't there some intrinsic validation that comes first and foremost and (2) sometimes are we just wrong? Isn't it helpful to hear some of those things - especially from the people we love?

Refraining from making invalidating statements in no way is equivalent to validating everything other people do. Some have intrinsic validation, some don't, but that isn't what this is about. Of course, sometimes we are wrong, and I have no issues hearing that from others, at least those who mean well. Sometimes the offered suggestions intended to "help" a person really have more to do with the person offering the suggestions. IMO

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I know some of the things that come out of my mouth are just, well, self-indulgent whining. I'm aware and open to that and grateful when people point it out to me sometimes.

What if what you perceive someone as engaging in self-indulgent whining, and you let her know what you think about what she is doing? Are you doing it because you really care about them? Because you want them to be a better person according to your beliefs? Or maybe what they are doing is annoying you, which is your truth? Do you think that saying "You should listen to how you sound?" is going to help make things better? How about, I feel as if you are speaking sarcastically to me. That way, the person can consider what is being said, and can consider whether it is something she needs to change or it is the other person's issues.

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I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm all about emotional support and caring, but relationships also have to be about truth. Sometimes I can't see it. Isn't a healthy relationship also being about openess to another's truth?

I am not saying that people can't say what their reactions are to others or be honest. I think a healthy relationship is about openness and about communicating in the most effective manner. I still have work to do in this area, and I don't know everything. But I do believe that invalidating statements rarely, if ever, have a place in healthy communication. But, it depends on the person.

Again, validation isn't agreeing with someone's emotions, it is an act of not discounting the other person's experience. You can talk about truths without doing this.

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Is it that much of a threat that we can't say "you know, maybe you ARE right I need to listen at how I sound

Is it that difficult to say, I feel like you are yelling at me/talking down to me/being disrespectful with your tone, etc., instead of telling someone that they should listen to how they sound? Again, not saying it in the above manner, and stating it as I did here, is not validating the other person, it is informing them of how you feel about what they are doing without telling them what to do.