I accepted an invite to a small dinner party this Saturday, June 8, with old colleagues and their partners to celebrate the future marriage of one of the couples. These colleagues were my best friends for more than 15 years but because of my MDD and other issues, I lost my job and I have not seen them for more than 5 years. I am not the same person they knew. I was somebody then- smart, intelligent, strong. That person died and left a fat, ugly, stupid blob in its place. I miss these former colleagues terribly but I do not want them to see me like this. I can't go to the dinner but I do not want to be offensive. What should I do? I am terrified that if I go I will break down crying. Heck, I am sobbing now.

There is so much more that I have never told anyone. I have never been able to explain myself to anyone, not the pdoc, T or H. The pain is excruciating.