I'm new to the board, having found it through searching for my answers on Google. I'll try not to bore you, however, I feel some of the details are important. My wife and I have been married for 12 yrs, together for 15, with 2 small children.
Let me start by saying I have a record of infidelity with my wife. It started a few years into our relationship. Nothing physical, just cyber... exchanging emails with women behind her back. I always looked at it as a fantasy, never thinking I would ever actually act upon anything physically. This, along with several porn sites, was my escape from my stressful world. This went on for years until an ex girlfriend contacted me through facebook in 2008. Emails led to an physical affair in late 2009. After two occasions with her, we knew it was wrong and stopped. My wife learned of the affair in Nov 2011. We went to one counseling session and the counselor immediately knew I was a sex addict, using the sex to escape reality. I never thought of myself in this nature, but after reading several books and counseling sessions, I realized it to be true. I got the help I needed and my wife stayed by side. For the past year and a half, I have been more in love with my wife than ever before. I have been a perfect (if there is such a thing) husband and father.
Early March, we celebrated our 12th anniversary. We had a great date night and came back home and had sex. Our sex life has always been minimal so it wasn't too unusual to see she wasn't at all into that night. She has had self esteem / self confidence issues but that was changing by the day with her going to the gym for the previous few months. 5 days after our anniversary, I knew something was wrong and I pretty much cornered her to communicate with me. She said she wasn't happy with our marriage. She said the, "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" and she has been unhappy in our marriage for quite some time. For the past year and a half, I have thought our marriage was growing stronger, but it was only dying without me knowing. We are now in counseling together. We both like the counselor, but I'm not sure if it is helping at all. She has been very honest in our conversations, saying how sorry she is. She says there is no one else and I believe that to be true, but she said she does think about what it would be like to date other guys. She said she even has had thoughts of asking for a temporary separation and / or an open relationship. I know she loves me but she says she is no longer attracted to me, that I'm the friend / brother type / loved because I'm a terrific father. We have fun together and our family gets along great, but there is zero passion from her side. I haven't really kissed her in over three months. We hug a lot...
It's eating me from the inside out. Part of me says I deserve it all for what I have put her through in the past, yet another part of me is begging her to see me for who I have been for the past year and a half and not the cheat I once was. She knows I have changed but I think she can't let go of the past, as she has always just bottled feelings up.
I'm sorry this is so long. I have read 6 books in the past 3 months looking for answers. (I haven't read 6 books in 20 yrs!)
Should I just let her go to see if she can find whatever she may be looking for and hope she realizes what is at home? Do I continue to fight for the wife I love so much? Our therapist stated that we should just start having sex to see if any feelings can come back.. that passion can usually create passion, but my wife has no desire to do anything sexual with me. I love my wife and my children more than anything in the world and I don't want to imagine life without either.
Thank you for your time and consideration.