I feel for you Gismo. It sounds like you are stuck in this never ending circle of addiction, guilt and shame. You need to do SOMETHING to break the cycle. Leed gave you great ideas to attend AA. You never have to say who you are at AA you are anonymous. You don't need to be diagnosed as an alcoholic to attend either. Anyone with a drinking problem can go to AA. Have you thought of counseling? Therapy can be a great source of comfort and support. You need lots of that right now. You say you don't spend enough time with your kids, well that means you do spend some time with them don't you? That is certainly better than no time at all. Clearly you love them and want to be here for them. You are going through an emotional crises right now and need to be kind to yourself. Improvement does not happen overnight. Take things slow and try to make small changes. Save a few dollars by not spending it on that extra bottle you think you'll need. Try finding a therapist. Try AA. Please try something different to help yourself and you will begin to feel better. Let us know how you are doing.