I'm afraid to even go to my T tonight. I am afraid of having these emotions there. I don't want to talk about these things. I don't want the emotions. I think its (bad) enough that its been happening in voice mails to him. I about tortured him with voice mails yesterday. He and my primary medical doctor know that things are rough for me emotionally as well as financially right now, and neither one helps the other. I know there is concern about PTSD issues, my eating and weight issues, cutting. I stopped taking my Adderall every day back in September when I suddenly stopped going to work because of how my pdoc said something in a voice mail to me that I associated with something from my ptsd history. The Adderall almost completely stopped cutting. I am very sure they are quite concerned about me continuing to get new prescriptions for it, especially with it being a Class 2 drug and must be prescribed by an MD. I have taken it 5 days in a row today--my record since September. I've been taking it so irregularly. The number of skipped days between has improved and I actually haven't cut in two weeks. But the cuts I did make were all serious. I never went to the hospital for stitches, but I did end up going to see my primary about or almost a week after the last ones were made. One really bad one wasn't even trying to heal. He already knew that I've cut before. I was afraid to see any other doctor but him. I emailed him to his personal business email address that is off-the-record and that I am not supposed to know (he didn't tell me either). He didn't have any openings when I checked the schedule online, but after I sent that email an appointment suddenly opened up. A behind-the-scene appointment fairy evidently helped me out and made an appointment available so I could schedule online. ;-) The 'appointment fairy' also took away the checkbox to make sure I didn't try to change my mind and cancel it--it was clearly a mandatory appointment! He knew I was scared to even come in and see him about it and why. I know it was very hard for him to see that cut, still wide open, with all the others I had made and not try to send me to the hospital. He didn't even mention it!--but I could tell the thought occurred to him. I could see in his eyes. He asked about my T's and pdoc's names so he could update my record with the correct information. I pulled out their business cards and I swear, for a moment he looked like a kid at a candy store or about to get a new toy! Of course, he called my T, but I didn't care. I knew it would happen eventually. I can't believe it took this long before he did!
I have one more thing to update, but I will have to do that later. I am on my cell phone now and the battery is dying. I still wish going to T tonight for our final appointment could be easier. I seriously don't want to and would like to cancel, but part of does want to go. I am going to miss him--very much. :-(