I'm so disoriented and confused, I don't know why and I don't know how else to describe it. Everything just feels, well I don't know how it feels. I feel chaotic like nothing's making any sense anymore. Not that it ever made much sense to begin with, whatever. I'm struggling, but I couldn't explain why. I'm not okay, but I couldn't explain why even though I want to.

My thoughts just aren't flowing like they're supposed to. I'm sure this has happened before(in fact I know it has), but this is the first time I've actually had any shred of insight into the issue and I'm scared. Of what? I don't know. It's just. Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing.

All nothing.

I'm really scared. I'm afraid I might have to be hospitalized again, not because I have any direct intent to do harm to myself or others but because I don't trust myself not to do harm to myself anyway if that makes any sense?

***TW*** for disturbing SI sort of content:





The other night I thought I was going to have to cut my head open to get the people that have been bothering me lately out of my head. Like I felt like I had to get them out of there and that cutting them out was the only way to do it. Did I want to hurt myself? No. But I was really psychotic and if someone hadn't been around me at the time... I don't know what would have.

end trigger.

Just yeah, things aren't okay. I'm thinking of calling my pdoc and seeing if I can get her to admit me but I don't know for sure. I don't know if this whatever it is is bad enough to be admitted to the hospital for. I don't want to go to the hospital. But at the same time, I'm worried for my safety, I'm seriously worried I'm going to do something in the midst of psychosis that I won't have control over and UGH.

It's just, this can't be okay, can it? I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

The inside of my head feels like it's turned into liquid... I feel awful. I want to be left alone and apparently that's too much to ask for. I want to destroy every piece of technology in my room because I know people are spying on me, I want to go throw my cell phone in the river, among other things. I'm not in any immediate danger of doing stuff like that but idk... I don't know what's going on, I'm scared.