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I don't understand myself anymore. Well not for a long time really but it seems to be getting so much worse.
I seem to cause my own troubles all the time. I have tried therapy. I don't think it is really helpful anymore to me.
I am so tired of everything I do to myself. I have tried to make myself happy with my life the way it is. I have improved upon the physical and material items cause i was so unhappy with that. Now it seems that it is all about the emotional side of things.
There is nothing else to focus on anymore, just that. I constantly get myself into situations and emotional connections that eventually end up hurting me more and even more deeply emotionally than ever expected. I can't have it all. I keep wanting things I do not have and know I will never have unless I do something to make it so. I don't know how to end one life and start a new one. I don't know how to know that is the right thing to do. I don't know how to make peace with destroying someone else in the process if that is what I am to do to make this worth it.
Is it even worth it? I am so lost, confused and F'd up it is not even remotely okay anymore.
I don't want to be around anymore, just disappear. Out of sight, out of mind, out of control...
I am not sure what I am wanting from posting this. Maybe to feel better, to unload, to share, to connect to others...I don't really know.
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"Death is easy, peaceful: Life is harder"
"The Day You Turned On Me Is The Day I Died,
And I've Forgotten What It's Like,
And How It Feels To Be Alive" (Daughtry-Gone)
"And you always want what you're running from. It's always been that way." Bittersweet Lyrics by Ellie Goulding
"The reason I hold on, cause I need this hole gone." (Stay by Rihanna)
"The opposite of love's indifference." (Stubborn Love, The Lumineers)
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