I just don't really care about much at all right now!!! I have dug myself into such a big dark hole that I am not sure how to dig myself back out!! Its like I have escaped my issues by hiding behind a mask or numbing out for so long that when stuff starts hitting the fan so to say, I automatically numb out so I don't feel!! it has been years since I have shed a tear!! the only thing I feel is anger and even when I start feeling anger I immediately bury it because I am afraid of it!! 20 some years ago in my drinking and partying days (my old way of escaping) I used to get so angry that I used to punch brick walls while drunk and not care what it did to my knuckles, etc. its like while I am writing this I was actually making sense for a while and now I totally forgot what I was going to say next!! Damn it makes me feel like I am going totally crazy!! I have never been like this!! my mind and my life was more together when I was drinking and drugging in the past!!! my life today is so unmanageable it is crazy!!! I cant think straight to pay my bills or even clean my dam house!! WTF is wrong with me?? you going to tell me that just by taking meds for bipolar (abilify was prescribed) is going to help change all this!???? Somehow I have to dig myself out of this hole before it is too late because the way my mind is working tonight its like I have these strong urges to just.......oh forget it I better not say!!! anyways I guess I need to try and go to sleep now, whatever that is!!!