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and i just realize that it is like drug to cease my inner pain...

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That is exactly it - you are using sex to distract yourself from past pain/hurt/anger, etc., even though this cycle has always caused you pain. You found comfort in going into a fantasy world as a child, and continue to use the same technique (sex) to help put you back into that "fantasy" place to escape the pain you still feel, even though you know it will hurt again when it is over. It is exactly the same if you were taking drugs or drinking alcohol. What started out as a learned method to "escape" eventually became a method of continuous torture.

Have you seen anyone - ever - about your addiction(s) and/or emotional difficulties?