I am not doing well myself these days, so I totally understand. But, unlike you, I have never been hospitalized, although I have had suicidal thoughts a few times in the past (never told anyone though). Tell your psych and therapist you don't want to be hospitalized. I'm sure you can get better - meds haven't helped me much either (I unilaterally decided to go off them, against my Dr. and therapist's orders - probably not the best idea though). you just need to be able to figure out what's stopping you from moving forward and feeling better. Do things for yourself - go out for a walk, watch t.v., take a bath, listen to music - those all help me when I feel bad (especially exercise). Hang in there - it's got to get better right? You can write me if you want.