it does so much right now. at the end of a three hour binge/purge cycle and had been doing so well eating so little for almost a week. had to show T the food diary i started last saturday. so so so humiliating and hard. freaked a bit. want so badly to cut but thought id come post instead. i really think im losing it. again. feel like im being pushed into this pit again and am clawing to stay in the light. i dont know why this happens. why cant i be normal!??!?! feeling totally out of control. i dont want to go through this stupid insanity again!! maybe i should have posted this in the depression forum. or the anxiety one. or self injury or abuse or eating disorders or or or. god i cant even make a decision on that. all this icky stuff inside is flooding out to T and spilling into my 'real' life, out of my head and messing up everything. i cant handle this and it terrifies me because i dont know where its going. its all falling apart. T says im being brave and all i want to do is scream at her, grab the diary and hide wimpering behind the chair. i dont want to think about all the things she asks about. i hate myself because im lying to her about things by fudging the truth or talking in circles because its all just too much.
im sorry. im just scared and tired and worn out right now. i dont know where i should have posted this. please move it anyone if you need to. sorry.
biiv