I can relate to the anger piece. I came into recovery a victim, not just of myself but from years of unresolved trauma, neglect and abuse. I had no language for it, no way to sort through it all. Even after a few years of sobriety and a heck of a lot of work (the steps, service, counselling) I continued to feel more and more miserable. People would say one of two things: 'You're working too hard, you need to relax' or 'You need to just have a good cry and let go'. I HATED those people. Like, wtf, you think I haven't TRIED to let it go? You think I wouldn't if I could?
It's been almost 7 years now. What I eventually did was split off from the beaten path and walk my own path. I had to work hard to create new connections with people that would strengthen and support my recovery and help me build a sense of safety. Especially after the mental illness kicked in full force again, around 3 years sober. I was livid, once I could stop being scared long enough to realize what else I was feeling. I had never been able to feel anything in my life but fear and anxiety, and like a prisoner. And now here it was again. I was in sobriety, turning my life around, working my *** off. And I got robbed again.
In a way mental illness has been a blessing for me. Because I've had to start putting myself first for once. I've had to let go of meetings (for the most part) and service and commitments, jobs and any and all unhealthy relationships, anything that I wasn't getting at least as much out of as I was giving. And then there it was: the anger. The pain, the bitterness, the resentment. Not so much at people anymore, because I had addressed that, and faced them. But now over my situation, my circumstances. I am still working towards the solution, insomuch as I am able. But there is still that anger.
And new angers pop up all the time. But here is the gift in my life: anger is no longer something that scares me. Other people's anger no longer frightens and intimidates me. And I can feel my own anger and want to do drastic things without actually carrying them out. I wait until I've cooled off to talk to the person or to look at the situation again. As for the inner anger, I'm working on it. It stems from a lifetime of neglect, abuse, and not having needs met. I know that my caregivers did the best they could. But I still got ripped off. And I am allowing myself to feel that when it comes up instead of neglecting it, turning it away, shoving it down with substances, food, distraction. I have faith that when I have processed it, when it has run its course, it will leave me. In the meantime, I do not let new angers build up because they take up too much energy and then I start feeling like I want to rebel...which for me usually doesn't mean anything good.
Thanks for sharing this, Leed.