Hello all,

I've spent a great deal of time going over things in my life and tried to remove the negative and I've come to a conclusion.

I've been losing weight for some time now and after being away for 2 weeks I come home and the first thing my mother says to me is " oh no, Your boobies are shrinking" Smirks and walks off. Of course this is something anyone with self confidence issues does not want to here. I'm an e cup so it's not a huge deal. But even so she's said it a few times now as well has said I don't look like i'm losing it anywhere else ect.

Anyway this lead to me thinking why would my mother say something so rude to her own daughter. Then I remembered when I started my diet she sold my bike and hid my weights. She's been eating my replacement meals without actually dieting correctly (Which she really needs to) and constantly giving me put downs. After consulting my BF he came to the conclusion my mother is jealous of me and always has been.

Out of all my siblings my mother always treated me oddly. I was the only one not to have an after school activity. Despite wanting to have done a large number of things. She'd always call me a solid girl and say comments like well we can't all be models. Or I can always get a nose job when i'm 18. What kid wants to hear that from their mother? God I remember having been 16 and I was fit and healthy.. I weighed around 120lbs.. we went to see an old friend Bev, and when she saw me she instantly said Wow you've lost all your baby pudge. You look soo good... and my mother started laughing and told her Oh no she hasn't and continued laughing...Needless to say Bev just gave her a disgusted look. Would explain why they're no longer friends. Matter of fact..she doesn't have any friends...o.o

Then there was the big one....when I was 10years old, I use to stay after school and play the piano in the music room. My school music teacher let me attend the year7 pitch test. Later that week I was invited into the music room where my teacher told my mother and I, it seems I have a musical talent, I scored 98% on a pitch test and had already taught myself to play a number of songs.. she told my mother to consider enrolling me in a music school or after school classes. Instead...My mother enrolled my brother who had no interest in music.. into a music school, claiming it would be good for him to learn something new...She even spent over $500 on a violin for him (he quit within 2 months claiming she was trying to turn him queer)... at that age I really didn't understand what was going on. My dad who was working 2 jobs full time found out and bought me a small cheap old second hand keyboard. My mother was outraged and told him he was to take it back that it's not fair I get something and my other siblings did not. She ended up selling it. This was heart breaking for me. She gave me the excuse we didn't have the money for it.

A few years later I took matters into my own hands and applied for a high school that specialized in music. My dad was pleased when I was accepted. My mother however demanded I go to a normal school claiming music was a waste of time and it would lead to nothing. I went to a normal high school up until I turned 15 which I could get a job at 16. I chose different school, I paid my own fees.

What I don't understand is why my mother did this to me. My whole life I was good to her. I tried so hard to do everything right. I was an honour student. I never got in trouble. I received the dux award in my last 2 years. I even paid for everything myself.

My dad hates her now. He hates all women. He is one of the most sexist people I have ever met and I can't even stand being in a room with him. They're not really together anymore.. They live in the same house. Different rooms.

I still talk to my parents, I stay in a room every so often.. but I don't feel like I have a family. I've never really had a family. Probably why I feel so alone. Why I try to help people I don't know. Why i'm constantly used. I've grown up without truly respecting myself or having any real confidence.

Which brings me to my next question. Should I sever all ties with my family? Part of me feels that I need to in order to heal. Having gone over all these things I just realised how messed up my childhood was. I'd NEVER do what my mother did to me to any of my kids. It's just plain wrong.

I just don't understand why she did that.. She's not as bad now in her late 60s...since I only see her a few days a fortnight... Sometimes I think she's trying to suck up to me because the other siblings left the state to get away from her, they won't even give her their numbers...except 1 brother who lives with her and constantly abuses her... Which makes me wonder why she doesn't just move out.

She has good days and bad...There's days when she wants to do things with me...she usually seems sad.. then their are days when she puts me down out of the blue.

I seriously have no idea what to do. Eughhh...