It's so hard to make it through work today. Part of me hopes that I get hospitalized tomorrow when I see the pdoc even though I know that's the worst thing I could do to my family. I am so crushed. I just want to crawl into my coworker's office and cry. I know she will let me but then I have to face my students. I just want everything to be over. I don't want to keep going like this and it always seems to come back. I hurt myself even though I know that will just make everything worse. I wish I could talk to my therapist. I can't do this today. I wish I had time to take off tomorrow. It's so heavy. I feel so heavy and dull and dead already. I wish I were dead. Everything would be so much better for everyone. I know that's not true. I just wish it were.

Didn't want to make a whole new post and clutter up the board.