How would I go about figuring that out? It's true that I am a bit of an (negative)attention-*****. I learned (from when I'm in the hospital) that the reason why I crave negative attention so much is because I used to be bullied when I was a kid. It's as if I expect to get the negative attention and my subconscious starts to think that there is something wrong with me when I don't get it. I only like negative attention -- never positive attention. In fact, I absolutely cringe in horror whenever someone points out something I did well or even just a matter of bringing something trivial about me (what I'm wearing, for example (giving a complimenting that)) center stage.

I've always preferred negative attention for some reason. Maybe it's because I subconsciously feel that I am entitled to negative attention (eg I deserve to be punished) but I don't deserve the positive attention (eg because I'm not worthwhile)?

Anyway the reason why I started this thread was because my boyfriend & I was discussing our having kids one day and yes he knows that I secretly long to have conjoined twins or kids who are disable in any other way. However I would not want my kids to have depression or bpd because I know how it feels and would not want my kids to go through what I go through. Anyway he was asking me why I would even want that, want our kids to get teased and live an uncomfortable and very hard existence. And I admit he was making sense. Which left me feeling even more confused and with the thought that maybe I am and have always been pretty sick. And again I wonder what is wrong with me. Why I so different from everyone else?

(sorry about the long rant. Once I keep going it's hard for me to stop sometimes)