Quote:
Originally Posted by Arethusa
How would I go about figuring that out? It's true that I am a bit of an (negative)attention-*****. I learned (from when I'm in the hospital) that the reason why I crave negative attention so much is because I used to be bullied when I was a kid. It's as if I expect to get the negative attention and my subconscious starts to think that there is something wrong with me when I don't get it. I only like negative attention -- never positive attention. In fact, I absolutely cringe in horror whenever someone points out something I did well or even just a matter of bringing something trivial about me (what I'm wearing, for example (giving a complimenting that)) center stage.
I've always preferred negative attention for some reason. Maybe it's because I subconsciously feel that I am entitled to negative attention (eg I deserve to be punished) but I don't deserve the positive attention (eg because I'm not worthwhile)?
Anyway the reason why I started this thread was because my boyfriend & I was discussing our having kids one day and yes he knows that I secretly long to have conjoined twins or kids who are disable in any other way. However I would not want my kids to have depression or bpd because I know how it feels and would not want my kids to go through what I go through. Anyway he was asking me why I would even want that, want our kids to get teased and live an uncomfortable and very hard existence. And I admit he was making sense. Which left me feeling even more confused and with the thought that maybe I am and have always been pretty sick. And again I wonder what is wrong with me. Why I so different from everyone else?
(sorry about the long rant. Once I keep going it's hard for me to stop sometimes)
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I can't tell you how to figure it out (just because I don't know!) but this seems like a good start. It seems like maybe negative attention seems more accessible and some part of you thinks it's better or just the only kind you can expect to get, so it's easier to fantasise about, say, having a disabled child than to imagine receiving the kind of attention you really want or need.
Being bullied can make us feel weak, and we can end up feeling like it's not safe to be vulnerable, or to reveal our vulnerabilities. If you have a disabled child, they don't have to be strong, they can be vulnerable, and you can experience something that's maybe been missing. Also, you can experience a kind of caretaking you perhaps haven't had.
I don't think you're sick. But I also don't think you really want what you think you want - I think this is a fantasy that represents some other need, such as the ability to be 'weak' or to be looked after. Does that make sense?
It might help you to pinpoint what it is you fantasise about, e.g. is it them needing you, is it going out with them and being noticed, is it taking them to the doctor, etc. If you can pinpoint what it is you're imagining, you can maybe work out what it is you're really craving.