Hi, Lonely Writer,
I really get where you're coming from with all of this. I've struggled with depression for most of my life, and am now in my 40's, seeing a therapist for several years and secretly struggling with intense suicidal ideations--but afraid to share the extent of it with my T for all the obvious reasons.
I think that a part of my brain views these suicidal thoughts as "off" or "sick," and "not ideal." But God, when I'm in the throes of the urge, it seems like there is nothing clearer than that desire--like I'm really seeing things as they are and should be. It's a constant struggle. Particularly of late.
I have begun opening up in therapy about some deeply hidden secrets, after 3 yrs of focusing on more "big picture" issues rather than the ugly details of how I got here, and am on the cusp of feeling like I really *can* and *do* trust my therapist enough to open up. But then, "life happens," and I spiral down, down, down, and again am feeling like suicide is my best option....and in response, move away from my T because I feel I cannot and should not reveal that I'm back to Square One in this sense. I feel torn not only because I fear her 5150-ing me (Baker Act-ing/admitting me), but also because I don't want to look so pathetic after having made some big strides finally--which could set off her own countertransference, feelings of failure and frustration with me as her client who "refuses to improve." (I tend to try to want to control this kind of thing, which I realize is a losing battle and counterproductive to therapy....)
At any rate, I just wanted to say, "You're not alone." And when you think about it, the fact that both of us (and everyone else here) ended up at this forum, it would seem to suggest that we are fighting to survive, after all. That must be a good thing.