i just exist. it is the same routine, day in, day out. i have been very successful. i should be happy with what i have acheived. my job is very rewarding. i help people all day long. i have made it my mission to find joy, yet it eludes me. i thought i found it in march. i was over the moon. turns out i was manic. i have a bright future. i also have agoraphobia. i am content with my nothingness. but i want to be happy. i want that joy. i fear i am incapable of it. it shocks me when i get excited about something i have done because i am not used to those feelings. they are so short lived. so i go on, day in, day out. doing the best i can hoping those elusive joyful feelings will appear.