I know that everyone on here probably feels this way but I just want to be normal. I am tired of feeling and acting the way that I do, feeling like I'm simply existing and not really living. I feel as though I exist only to hold down a job and pay bills, not to really live and enjoy life. I feel as though one of my medications, Geodon--the newest one I've been taking only since December--is causing me to lose a sense of joy in life. I've lost my excitement over things, have no libido (sorry if that's TMI), or really any desire or motivation to experience much of anything. The only reason I do anything like go out with friends or do online dating is because I think I should and because, if I don't, I would be profoundly lonely. And being alone causes me to feel agitated and anxious which is simply awful.

I'm embarrassed by my behavior lately, the childish behavior which caused me to lose another relationship in my life and yet I don't know what to do about it. It's so simple to say, "Just don't do it," but I knew not to do it, that acting a certain way would cause me to lose that friendship (because we'd discussed it before) and yet I still found myself acting up. It's like words were out of my mouth before I could think them through. That was the only friend that I experienced that behavior with and I don't know why. Probably because I felt an underlying sense of rejection with him so hey, maybe the loss of friendship is for the best but still... it sucks.

Having BPD sucks which I'm sure you all know, but I'm just venting so let me say it again: Having BPD sucks. It sucks a--! I don't know how to do most of the exercises my T asks me to do for homework and so I feel like I'm getting nowhere. Like, these last two weeks I was supposed to come up with behaviors I want to emulate in my own self of people who feel comfortable in their own skin. I don't really even know what that looks like, so I haven't come up with much. I've come up with like, two things in two weeks. I just...I've got nothing.

Sorry for the long post, and I'm sorry that I'm so negative when I do post. I've just been sitting here all day feeling agitated and restless and sad and I just want to talk to someone.