...before I continue I must re-assure those that preside over these forums that although I am in mental "flight' as it may...be considered. I will behave and not dump a crapload of 'fastbrain' tonight and flood the pages.... rather?..I will do as instructed and only add to the two threads I created out of no-where.

I'm an old dog...and it's not even a new trick!
more like an old dog would be totally screwed with an old trick...like the poor bugger was bored with it or just forgot it.

I eagerly endorse the 'forgot the old trick likely boring by now too' scenario.

so keen to please others as expected from a lowlife I forgot what I was wanting to express.

and how easy is that to do and how often do I feel like a second hand human, all used up and scattered body parts mainly brain parts scattered by the side of life's road.

BUT... ha!...how convenient are the capital letters that make words emphasise stuff!... if only I had a way to turn myself into a freaking 'capital'...

but I do very much so in abstract suspension of reality in this abnormality.....I can be nothing.....and then freaking everything!

...I just wish I knew what I wanted..??
and

that's easily the dumbest thing I heard myself think today and watch myself type out here alone in this room ...somewhere in the urban universe.

...and this brings me conveniently to my curiosity with all things random and this educated suspicion with all things perfectly designed.

I'm too old to breed by now and that's a horrible way to describe 'having a family'

my potential child was destroyed by my first girlfriend without me knowing until after...and that was 23 years ago...and the experience turned her off me and men...

have you ever looked at yourself like a scientist might like an alien scientist might study yourself like a subject like an assignment?

Fkd! if I know where it came from it's a spiritual thing and I can divulge more now or later probably later but it's IMMENSE...there go the capitals again!

I like to think I have something else to do..(hence the DOOM in the title)...
but there is always the chance that everything...and I mean everything really is meaningless and that death is truly final and life is just the preview to this finality!

...and that only the living are in pain and I continue to avoid the issue of being alone!..?

it's such a complex but simple experience...lets put it this way even if you're in or not!

when a human is happy...happy human wants to share this happiness with another human... therefore making the happy to be real!... and amplified.

when a human is sad...sad human needs to express this sadness with another human...therefore hoping to be comforted.

I mean...this is daily stuff to regular people...and I understand the dynamics I just severely lack the ability to maintain it for longer than 3 minutes as long as I am without breath as long as I am in danger I am a freaking legend!

3 minutes is not long enough for anybody...

trying to balance that moody crap?...I cannot do it

swimming in anti psychotics...I'm still in the freakin' pool after everybody left!