Quote:
Originally Posted by sgthowie
Hi,
I haven't posted on here for a couple of years now. I was initially diagnosed as bipolar and then that was changed to borderline personality disorder. I have been prescribed anti depressants which did nothing and also quetiapine which I stopped taking cos of the side effects. I have had psychotherapy for 3 years now which is helping to some degree.
I am not sure if the diagnosis is correct. I do have black and white thinking, feelings of emptiness and unstable relationships but also I have a kinda leaden paralysis depressive feeling, agitation, distractability, periods of heightened creativity as well as lethargy. I also can sleep a few hours a night or for about 10 or 12. I think I am self medicating at weekends especially through alchohol. I often have blissful periods which don't last long but can last a few hours. I have lots of paranoia and anxiety. I get bored of people, projects and things very easily and my concentration is shocking. I have impulsive feelings and have crashed a number of motorcylces, cars etc in my time been quite promiscuous and then avoided sex for ages and had feelings like I was with God or merging with some wider universal consciousness.
The psychiatrist who changed me from bipolar to borderline did say it was marginal between that and bipolar with most others likely to diagnose the latter. My current psychothapist says it is a wide spectrum of experience. I sometimes wonder whether I should take meds because I am still only half functioning but really don't want to be arguing the toss about a rediagnosis.
I also had some quite severe social anxiety when I was younger and there seems to be a lot of crossover between the conditions. My shrink mentions the word temperament a lot and so do my friends. The latest letter to my doctor refers to unstable fluctuations of mood, reactive mood, difficulty developing stable relationships and sense of self.
Could I be cyclothymic or maybe atypical depressive or bipolar 2? Do you think I should try meds? I have moved on but would no way consider myself to be cured or able to function the way I would like?
|
such a simple question requires an equally simple answer... to make sense of a complex situation.
...I want to remove the 'or' from the question...just a reflex just a natural movement something that 'feels' very natural...to me
and I will be straight up honest with you I am writing this purely for myself for my own clarification...and if you read it and get something then that's secondary....
I thankyou for the opportunity to write....I like questions I hate the answers!
and here within lies the borderline bipolar riddle ...the magic and the pain.
the sinister... the emotionally insane the durability and the pain.
what makes the heartfelt insane gives life to the brain!
there is an urgency an expectation an evil a joy!
you see ...bipolar is a story and borderline is a reaction!
how can they not co-exist how can they not entangle and form a person?
and ...how can not this person be so utterly marvellous?!
with the co-incidence the intersection of human emotional and mental abilities combined into a glorious arrangement of calamity and how can anyone others unloved love us likewise we them unfortunate to be so crazy wonderful!
...the real questions emerge under such scrutiny...these being..??
what can I afford to experience what can 'they' afford to experience at my expense so self indulgent I will easily consume everybody in my path!
..I am emotionally starved every minute borderline being that I am... invalidated and tired hungry hold me and bipolar... I'm just not in the freaking mood right now try me in 3 minutes or 3 months or 10 fkng years I am alive forever but so damaged and in love with something even hate will do for now....
we are versatile yeah